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Sonic Jam - "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"

In spirit of the little blue fast fucker himself, I'm gonna cut to the chase.

The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog may be the worst piece of Sonic media out there. Think about that for a second. The absolute worst, in a series notorious for being filled to the brim with premium, grade-A garbage-y garbage. But rummage around this nonsense dumpster enough, and you'll find nothing worth salvaging. So of course, I'm doing it for you. Because that's what I do here: dumpster dive in the name of your entertainment. You're welcome.

In the 90's, there were three Sonic cartoons. Well, four if you count the anime (Japanese for "Chinese Cartoon,") but I don't, so yeah. There were three. The first one is something I've already talked about, the series nicknamed by fans as Sonic SatAM, and that was pretty incredible. The third was Sonic Underground, a hot dumpster fire of cheesiness that's actually kind of great. The second one, the middle child, is the Two Towers of the epic trilogy. Which is to say, it's pretty awful. Fight me, nerds.

The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is what happens when some genius outsources a video game tie-in cartoon to four foreign animation studios, then tells them to make Looney Tunes... then gives each animator a crack rock to fire up while working on it. At least, I'm pretty sure that's how this got made, because there's no other reason for its existence that makes any real sense. And that's because, well, the show itself barely makes any damn sense.

Not because of the plot, mind you. That's pretty straightforward. See, Sonic likes chili dogs, and he also likes hanging out with Tails. But the problem here is that Doctor Robotnik doesn't like Sonic and Tails, and he wants to capture them. So he lets loose three robot animal things to go after them. They try to catch Sonic and Tails, and they fail. Sonic makes a joke about it, then runs off. Then they do it again. Another joke. And then they do it again. More jokes. Then it ends. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't end here.
And then there are sixty-four more episodes of the exact same thing. Really. That's literally the entire show. Sixty-five episodes of animal robots chasing Sonic and bad jokes. 1,430 minutes. 23.8 hours, which, rounded up, is an entire day. An entire day of the same exact thing every time. No variation, no fun riffs, no changing of formula. I mean, yeah, Tails gets kidnapped sometimes, I guess, and Robotnik's mom shows up. But those are just means to an end. It's an entire day of repetetive, mind-numbing trash.

Which, you know, is okay as far as Saturday morning cartoons go. You could practically boil down most old cartoons as that. It's all up to the presentation, more often than not, to make something like this worth watching. And boy, does Adventures of Sonic have absolutely no clue how to present anything.

The animation is easily some of the worst in its field. No kidding. Look at this.

I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel.
What kind of path is that? Where are they standing in spatial relation to it? Where's the sense of perspective? What about foreshortening? 

I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.
What kind of mad genius builds a laboratory like this? Are they outside? Are they inside? Why is there a road? Why is this machine in the middle of it? Why is the door too smaller for either figure in this frame? What's with the curtains?

The needle tears a hole; the old familiar sting.
Why is Tails a baby? Why is Sonic looking at his crotch? Why are they in space? Why is there a road in space? Why is a baby standing on a road in outer space? How are they breathing?

Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.
Why are they cowboys? Why are they wearing sneakers with cowboy duds? Is Sonic's star piercing his flesh to stay attached? Where are his hairs/quills/things, and why do they fit in that tiny hat? 

What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end.
What kind of demented fucking pervert drew this?

Look, I could go on and on, but you get the point. The animation in this show is piss poor. The characters go off model constantly. The situations they're in make no sense. There's no sense of tangibility to the environments, so everything just looks like abstract color vomit. It's bad. It's all bad. And the music is a collection of children's songs, classical music, and horrible renditions of tunes from the game. From top to bottom, everything here is cut-rate. Actually, it's below cut-rate. It's more like butcher-rate. Dismember-rate? You get the point. It's awful.

The writing's bad, the animation's bad, everything's bad. There's nothing good here, from a production standpoint. Except for Long John Baldry, a famous blues musician who happens to voice Robotnik. With respect to Mike Pollock, Baldry's probably the best voice the iconic villain's ever had. No kidding, he's solid gold, and I wish he had kept the role in the games. Too bad.

But other than that, I can't think of much else to say about Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Honestly, I couldn't watch the whole show, and just watched a handful of random episodes online until I felt my stomach's contents rise to the back of my throat. Can you blame me? It's legitimately awful, some of the absolute worst entertainment to be foisted upon children. And can you believe this got 65 episodes, plus a pilot and a special? Meanwhile, Sonic SatAM got canceled after barely twenty.

Perhaps the best thing to come out of Adventures is the treasure trove of awkward, awful screenshots that are reposted all over the internet. The best thing to come out of it, in other words, is the ability for there to be so much wrong with it that it merits a perpetual posting of images from it to say, "what the hell, this exists?" Same goes for the corny "Sonic Says" segments, which are a goldmine of advice for children that ranges from awkward:

To completely absurd:

My general point here is that The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog was a mistake. It's a misrepresentation of the Sonic brand. It's a flatout bad cartoon. It's a flatout bad thing,. Like, no judgment if you like it, but also, are you okay? Do you need to talk? Do you know there are better things to do with your time? Just checking, because, damn, this is awful.

Granted... this was also one of my favorite cartoons as a child. So, maybe... maybe it's kind of me, as a grown man, being hard on something that wasn't intended for me in the first place. It would be like if I expected an episode of My Little Pony to cater to my adult interests and hold my attention like a TV series intended for an older audience. Wait, what? There's a whole group of people who actually do that?

Are you kidding me?

Damn, dude. I'm out. I'll see you next time. I guess.

... just shoot me.


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