Summer of Schwarzenegger - "Sabotage" (2014)
It's practically mid-September. I know this. It should be September of Schwarzenegger at this point.
But, once again, it's because I was having a hard time slogging through another garbage movie. Like, there are so many good games out, you know? I could be playing those. I could watch Mad Max: Fury Road again, man. I just got it on BluRay. Or maybe keep doing my rewatch of Twin Peaks. That sounds like a good time.
But no. Here I am. Talking about yet another garbage movie that Arnold got roped into doing. Except this one? This one's written by Skip Woods.
Dear god. This one's written by Skip fucking Woods.
Do you not know who Skip Woods is? Man, you've had a good life. No, really. You've led such a meaningful existence. Let me congratulate you. Actually, you know, you should turn back. No, really. If you've made it this far and haven't heard of Skip Woods, it's not too late for you. Because once you know the man, once you familiarize yourself with his oeuvre... well, you're gone. Your soul has forever become blackened and charred. You're a changed person, and not for the better. Not anywhere close. So flee. Flee if you can. And abandon all hope, ye who enter.
You see... Skip Woods... well, there's no real way to put this: he's one of the absolute worst writers in Hollywood. Look, though, I'm a writer. I know it's not easy. I know it's thankless. But... really, man? At what point did you look at Thursday and Swordfish and say, "yes, this is my finest work, let's do this"? How is that even possible? Did you want to see Halle Berry topless that badly? Is that it? Is that fucking it?
And for that matter, how did you keep putting out worse and worse movies as time went on? Isn't that the opposite of how that's supposed to work? But then, how else can you explain absolute trainwrecks like X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The A-Team, Hitman and A Good Day To Die Hard (cue projectile vomiting)? What made you think taking a second crack at a franchise you fucked so hard the first time was a good idea with this year's Hitman: Agent 47? Like, Christ, man. Slow down. Please. Slow down. Actually, nah. Just stop. Please.
I'll pay you?
Anyway. Here's a movie he did that has Arnold in it, and fuck, it's just as much of a misogynistic, senselessly violent, terribly written heap of fucking trash as most of his other movies. Arnold plays a guy nicknamed "Breacher" (sigh,) who leads a team of elite DEA agents whose nicknames range from "Monster" to "Sugar," from "Neck" to "Pyro." The woman on the team doesn't get a dumb nickname, though. Don't worry! She gets horribly disgraced in other ways.
What's the plot? Uh, well... Arnold's family gets killed, giving him a tragic backstory. The whole team steals some cartel money and stashes it for future redistribution. The only woman on the SWAT team gets addicted to drugs and starts causing in-fighting between the men. She kills her own husband...? Arnold fucks the only other female character in the movie...? It all blurred together, really. All I remember is a lot of shooting and stabbing. There's also a decapitation. Also women get treated like garbage cans. Also the whole thing is a miserable piece of fucking shit.
Look, man. I could break apart why this movie sucks, like I did The 6th Day. But let's be honest: it's by Skip fucking Woods. It's a generic crime thriller by Skip fucking Woods. There's no real disappointment to be had here, because there was never any doubt that this movie would suck. The lazy plot, the ugly cinematography, the mindless action... all of these are hallmarks of both movies Skip Woods has touched and of modern crime thrillers. As soon as this shit went into production, it was guaranteed to be pure trash.
It's just... it's sad to see Arnold in it. Because usually, he's affable, even in his worst films. But here? I hated him. He's a violent, mope-y, male empowerment fantasy trope of a sexist prick, a pantomime of grizzled toxic masculinity. At one point, he tells a woman who he banged, a grown fucking woman who's a fucking detective, to "be a good girl and go home" after he kills another woman. Like, really? The real Arnold wouldn't treat women like this. We're supposed to like this character? He's our fucking hero? This is how you use one of the best living Hollywood leading men? Fuck that.
And fuck this whole movie, for that matter. Sabotage is a non-stop assault on your brains, and while maybe it never hits the low bar set by Woods' own Hitman and A Good Day To Die Hard (two of the worst movies I've ever been exposed to,)... well, that's not exactly a complement. That's like saying, "congrats, Donald Trump, you're not quite as much of a racist as DW Griffith." Both are fucking awful. And so are those three movies.
There are a lot of things to do with your life. Go outside. Find love. Write the next great American novel (although I already did that one, so, good luck.) I mean, hell, spending the whole day with your hands down your pants, browsing the internet, is a more valid use of your time than watching fucking Sabotage. So do those things and don't watch it. Please.
And maybe start a campaign to ban Skip Woods from movies. Please?
Next Time: We wrap this whole shindig up with Maggie!