Skip to main content

Summer of Schwarzenegger - "Escape Plan" (2013)


(Yes, I know it's September. Bear with me. We'll get through this. I promise.)

Somehow, Arnold Schwarzenegger shared a double bill with Sinbad before he finally got around to teaming up with Sylvester Stallone.

One would think that the two biggest action stars in Hollywood history (sorry, Chuck Norris, but your meme-hype doesn't make you an actual bankable and/or memorable star!) would have had to cross paths at some point, and to an extent, they have. They've done little cameos. Arnold popped his head into the first two Expendables flicks. But as far as a bonafied team-up movie? Didn't happen until 2013. Weird, right? Anyway.

The gimmick here is pretty great: Arnold and Stallone are locked in the world's most secure prison. Of course, because this is movie that feels straight out of the 90's, the core concept is "two big manly-man stars prove that no prison can hold them." That's really it. I mean, yeah, there's some stuff about Stallone being a prison designer, and this being his ultimate test, and Arnold being a grizzled dude with a mysterious past, so on, so forth. But really? Honestly? This is about Arnold and Stallone breaking out of prison as themselves, complete with their signature role types and unique brands of one-liners.

And that's fucking awesome.

See, I would never argue that this movie is high art. It's not. The thing is, though, is that it scratches an itch for 90's popcorn flicks like nothing else... well, except for perhaps The Last Stand, but that's beside the point. The point is that this is the kind of cheesy, testosterone-fueled team-up movie we never get to see these days. We don't get enough Demolition Mans or Face/Offs, and that sucks. This is like that, except made in 2015, and on a budget, and with 50 Cent and a particularly ragged looking Sam Neill (you okay there, buddy?)

But even though the budget is pretty low, and even though the supporting cast is full of C-Listers (although Vincent D'Onofrio shows up and rocks it as usual,) this is a movie that actually feels lovable because of its limitations. Like, yeah, it's remarkably cheap-looking at times, but hey, it adds a sort of old-school charm to it. And, yeah, 50 Cent can't fucking act, but it's pretty fucking great to see him in a movie with Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Like, who could have seen that coming? Not me, that's for sure.

I don't really have a ton of things to say about this movie, much like The Last Stand. My opinion on both could basically be summed up as, "hey, this movie's pretty fucking great, and if you like 90's action movies, you'll love it, and if not, why are you even reading this?" So... yeah. I really like Escape Plan. I actually think it's one of Arnold's best, and it's one of the rare Stallone movies where he doesn't get on my nerves the entire time.

Next Time: We get to our penultimate movie, Sabotage, written by the "amazing" and "talented" Skip Woods! If you could tell, that was sarcasm, because he's awful!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Yellow Snow: "Frozen" and the Cult of Elsanna

Anybody who's read my top picks for the best movies of last year knows that I have very strong feelings about Frozen, a frankly epic masterpiece of animated cinema, if not cinema in general. It rights a lot of wrongs that Disney films have historically perpetrated, from featuring two female characters that aren't defined by men, to sending an ultimately positive message to both children and adults. If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to stop reading this and go shell out your money for a ticket. Hell, maybe even two, as I've already seen the damn thing three times, and will probably see it once or twice more for the fuck of it. It's okay, I can wait.
But on a serious note, a disturbing trend has been occurring, as brought to my attention by a wonderful yet disheartening news post on Nerve. It's become quite popular, it seems, to pair up the two main sisters, two of the strongest female protagonists in recent films, and put them together in an incestuous le…

Fried Take - "Sadako 3D 2" (2013)

The Ring franchise is easily one of my favorites out there, and its terrifying antagonist Sadako is a movie monster that I just can't help but love. Even being a fan of the series and its lore, though, couldn't make me forgive some egregious mistakes made my 2012's Sadako 3D. It was a clunky, gimmicky and all-around uninspired mess of a movie that broke canon and turned into pure schlock halfway through, despite a strong concept and some solid acting. So it would make sense, then, that I didn't have much hope for the sequel, which changed up the screenwriters but kept the same continuity and director, and seemed to focus more on grandiose scares than the low-key chills of older entries.

Being a huge fan, though, I felt obligated to at least give this one a try. Maybe it could wash the bad taste of forced 3D gimmicks and moronic sub-plots out. Or perhaps it would further ruin this once-great franchise, and be a moronic waste of my time. Read on to find out my thoughts …

My Top 12 Games of 2017

This year has been peak video gaming, right? Like, it's crazy how good everything got all of a sudden. This generation went from middling to one of the best in recent memory in the span of twelve months, at least to me. Sure, that's not to say the industry hasn't been up to its usual garbage, arguably more so than usual - to the point where games might get taken to court again. Crazy.

Anyway. I've found my tastes changing a lot this year, especially after I quit professional games writing for the time being, and I've been reevaluating what "good" or "bad" games are to me. That's partially what inspired my recent list of personal all-time greats. With that in mind, take this list as a representation of my newfound tastes, and a harbinger of what you'll see me talking about going forward.

Let's kick things off with some honorable mentions.



Honorable Mentions and Junk, In No Order


Quake Champions

Quake Champions is the arena shooter that L…