Summer of Schwarzenegger - "End of Days" (1999)

Hey, look, another Arnold movie I didn't finish!

It's not for lack of trying, alright? I've been trying to finish this ever since I watched Batman & Robin, which is allegedly the worse movie of the two, but as we already know, I don't even think it's that bad. But this? This? Whatever this garbage is? Yeah, no, it is that bad. It's earned its whopping 11% Rotten Tomatoes score with every simpering, incomprehensible moment of it. So, yes, I've been trying to finish End of Days, but I care much more about finishing up Summer of Schwarzenegger and moving on with my life, okay? That cool?

I don't care if it is. Because I'm doing it anyway. Fuck this trash.

Deep breath... okay. Let's get through with  this.

So Arnold plays an ex-police officer named Jericho Cane and... Okay. Jesus. Stop right there. Jericho fucking Cane? Who came up with that? Who sat down, wrote a screenplay, and decided, while writing that screenplay, that Jericho Cane is a remotely good name for a character? Who names their child Jericho? As in, the first battle of the Israelites in the Bible? The character isn't, as far as we know, Jewish, so why would he even have that name? 

Can you imagine growing up, being called that? "Hey, Jericho, wanna go play outside?" "Jericho, honey, I'm so proud of you!" "Oh, yeah, Jericho, baby, stick it in deeper! " Like, what the hell? 

Anyway, Jericho is now working for a private security firm called "Striker" and oh Jesus Christ, again with the stupid names? Ugh. Whatever. So, that's what he's doing, and then he runs into demons and shit, and he meets an evil demon doctor named Abel (get it? Cane? Abel? Get it? Isn't that so fucking clever?!) and eventually Satan himself, manifested in human form. Fighting happens. Bad CGI runs rampant. Felicity from Felicity shows up because she's supposed to get raped and impregnated to birth some demon baby that'll bring about the end of the world or... something. I guess? I don't know.

Okay, look, this damn thing makes no sense. Alright? I just couldn't fucking follow it. The plot is incomprehensible from beginning to whenever I stopped watching. The biblical "symbolism" is so shoehorned in and on-the-nose that it's laughable, but not in a good way. There are absurd leaps of logic, nonsensical motivations, pointless action sequences... the list goes on. When you think of "gritty 90's action films with an assload of CG and an oh-so-grim plot," this is the regurgitated remains of the worst of those. Except they dragged Arnold down with it, who doesn't even seem to be trying here. He's playing a suicidal ex-cop charged with saving the world and who comes face-to-face with Satan, and the most he can muster are one or two phoned-in cracks and a resounding inability to make the script interesting. 

I have nothing else to say here, really. I'm really sorry. I know these are supposed to be fun and funny, but honestly, I can't make anything out of something that's essentially nothing to begin with. End of Days is a garbage excuse for a movie that, somehow, makes Arnold fighting demons a boring, tedious experience. That, in and of itself, is a biblical sin.... I mean, I think it is, anyway. Hey, if homophobes can make up biblical sins, then goddammit, I can too. 

Anyway. Don't watch this trash. It's over two hours long, and you could die tomorrow. And as you lie there dying, watching your life flash before your eyes, you'll wish that you'd done something more with your life than spending two of your last twenty-four watching End of Days.

Plus, it has music by fucking Korn in it. That's enough to make anything worth avoiding.

Next Time: I watch The 6th Day and hope it doesn't suck as much as End of Days!


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