Skip to main content

Summer of Schwarzenegger - "End of Days" (1999)


Hey, look, another Arnold movie I didn't finish!

It's not for lack of trying, alright? I've been trying to finish this ever since I watched Batman & Robin, which is allegedly the worse movie of the two, but as we already know, I don't even think it's that bad. But this? This? Whatever this garbage is? Yeah, no, it is that bad. It's earned its whopping 11% Rotten Tomatoes score with every simpering, incomprehensible moment of it. So, yes, I've been trying to finish End of Days, but I care much more about finishing up Summer of Schwarzenegger and moving on with my life, okay? That cool?

I don't care if it is. Because I'm doing it anyway. Fuck this trash.

Deep breath... okay. Let's get through with  this.

So Arnold plays an ex-police officer named Jericho Cane and... Okay. Jesus. Stop right there. Jericho fucking Cane? Who came up with that? Who sat down, wrote a screenplay, and decided, while writing that screenplay, that Jericho Cane is a remotely good name for a character? Who names their child Jericho? As in, the first battle of the Israelites in the Bible? The character isn't, as far as we know, Jewish, so why would he even have that name? 

Can you imagine growing up, being called that? "Hey, Jericho, wanna go play outside?" "Jericho, honey, I'm so proud of you!" "Oh, yeah, Jericho, baby, stick it in deeper! " Like, what the hell? 

Anyway, Jericho is now working for a private security firm called "Striker" and oh Jesus Christ, again with the stupid names? Ugh. Whatever. So, that's what he's doing, and then he runs into demons and shit, and he meets an evil demon doctor named Abel (get it? Cane? Abel? Get it? Isn't that so fucking clever?!) and eventually Satan himself, manifested in human form. Fighting happens. Bad CGI runs rampant. Felicity from Felicity shows up because she's supposed to get raped and impregnated to birth some demon baby that'll bring about the end of the world or... something. I guess? I don't know.

Okay, look, this damn thing makes no sense. Alright? I just couldn't fucking follow it. The plot is incomprehensible from beginning to whenever I stopped watching. The biblical "symbolism" is so shoehorned in and on-the-nose that it's laughable, but not in a good way. There are absurd leaps of logic, nonsensical motivations, pointless action sequences... the list goes on. When you think of "gritty 90's action films with an assload of CG and an oh-so-grim plot," this is the regurgitated remains of the worst of those. Except they dragged Arnold down with it, who doesn't even seem to be trying here. He's playing a suicidal ex-cop charged with saving the world and who comes face-to-face with Satan, and the most he can muster are one or two phoned-in cracks and a resounding inability to make the script interesting. 

I have nothing else to say here, really. I'm really sorry. I know these are supposed to be fun and funny, but honestly, I can't make anything out of something that's essentially nothing to begin with. End of Days is a garbage excuse for a movie that, somehow, makes Arnold fighting demons a boring, tedious experience. That, in and of itself, is a biblical sin.... I mean, I think it is, anyway. Hey, if homophobes can make up biblical sins, then goddammit, I can too. 

Anyway. Don't watch this trash. It's over two hours long, and you could die tomorrow. And as you lie there dying, watching your life flash before your eyes, you'll wish that you'd done something more with your life than spending two of your last twenty-four watching End of Days.

Plus, it has music by fucking Korn in it. That's enough to make anything worth avoiding.

Next Time: I watch The 6th Day and hope it doesn't suck as much as End of Days!



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Yellow Snow: "Frozen" and the Cult of Elsanna

Anybody who's read my top picks for the best movies of last year knows that I have very strong feelings about Frozen, a frankly epic masterpiece of animated cinema, if not cinema in general. It rights a lot of wrongs that Disney films have historically perpetrated, from featuring two female characters that aren't defined by men, to sending an ultimately positive message to both children and adults. If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to stop reading this and go shell out your money for a ticket. Hell, maybe even two, as I've already seen the damn thing three times, and will probably see it once or twice more for the fuck of it. It's okay, I can wait.
But on a serious note, a disturbing trend has been occurring, as brought to my attention by a wonderful yet disheartening news post on Nerve. It's become quite popular, it seems, to pair up the two main sisters, two of the strongest female protagonists in recent films, and put them together in an incestuous le…

Fried Take - "Sadako 3D 2" (2013)

The Ring franchise is easily one of my favorites out there, and its terrifying antagonist Sadako is a movie monster that I just can't help but love. Even being a fan of the series and its lore, though, couldn't make me forgive some egregious mistakes made my 2012's Sadako 3D. It was a clunky, gimmicky and all-around uninspired mess of a movie that broke canon and turned into pure schlock halfway through, despite a strong concept and some solid acting. So it would make sense, then, that I didn't have much hope for the sequel, which changed up the screenwriters but kept the same continuity and director, and seemed to focus more on grandiose scares than the low-key chills of older entries.

Being a huge fan, though, I felt obligated to at least give this one a try. Maybe it could wash the bad taste of forced 3D gimmicks and moronic sub-plots out. Or perhaps it would further ruin this once-great franchise, and be a moronic waste of my time. Read on to find out my thoughts …

My Top 12 Games of 2017

This year has been peak video gaming, right? Like, it's crazy how good everything got all of a sudden. This generation went from middling to one of the best in recent memory in the span of twelve months, at least to me. Sure, that's not to say the industry hasn't been up to its usual garbage, arguably more so than usual - to the point where games might get taken to court again. Crazy.

Anyway. I've found my tastes changing a lot this year, especially after I quit professional games writing for the time being, and I've been reevaluating what "good" or "bad" games are to me. That's partially what inspired my recent list of personal all-time greats. With that in mind, take this list as a representation of my newfound tastes, and a harbinger of what you'll see me talking about going forward.

Let's kick things off with some honorable mentions.



Honorable Mentions and Junk, In No Order


Quake Champions

Quake Champions is the arena shooter that L…