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Summer of Schwarzenegger - "Junior" (1994)

Look, let's get right into it. This is the movie where Arnold gets pregnant. In case, you know, you were under the mistaken impression that we lived in a just world or anything silly like that.
Considering it came from the guy who brought us the surprisingly fun Twins, I expected Junior to be... well, dumb, but dumb in the, "hey, this dumb concept is done surprisingly well" sort of way. It wasn't, though. It was actually unfiltered hot trash juice. No, I'm not exaggerating. Junior is an unpleasant movie to its very core, and to level with you, I couldn't even bring myself to pay attention during most of it. Sorry. Not really, though.

Anyway, the plot follows Arnold, who's a scientist, and Danny DeVito, who's a pregnancy doctor, and... you know, fuck it. You don't need to know the intricate details of this plot. Here's what happens: Arnold gets pregnant through artificial insemination. Antics ensue. There you go. That's the whole story, distilled down into two sentences. That's it. That's the joke. That's the entire movie, boiled down to its simplest essence.

And that's all that really happens. There's a romance sub-plot, but it's generic shit. There's a whole "reluctant friends grow close" dynamic, but it's not really interesting. There are jokes, I guess. I guess you could call some of the stuff in this movie "jokes." I don't want to, but I guess that's what they're intended as. I assume there is supposed to be some comedic exchange between the writers and the audience, but for me, that exchange never happened. I just watched it waiting to laugh, but then I realized that the very idea was the joke. That was it. The wad was blown on the concept alone. Great. Fantastic.

Do I sound bitter about this movie? That's because I am. Everything about it is what I hate about cynically focus-tested, artificially heartwarming Hollywood comedies. Big name star doing something wacky? Check. Whimsical soundtrack that cribs Danny Elfman so hard it hurts? Check. Trite plot devices that can be predicted within the first twenty minutes? Check. It's all here. From the get-go, you know how this movie is going to go down. There's no surprise. There's no suspense. It's just by-the-numbers garbage that insults the audience's intelligence. Damn, I sound cynical, but I don't even care. This movie is awful.

Actually, that's all I have to say about it. No critical breakdown. No nothing. This movie is trash, and some of the very worst that 90's comedies had to offer. Remember the movie Bio-Dome? You know, with Pauly Shore? I enjoyed that movie. Yeah, it's a piece of shit, but it was amusing and I actually paid attention the whole time. Junior didn't even do that for me.

Am I saying Bio-Dome, a movie with Pauly fucking Shore is a better movie that Junior? Well, you can be the judge of that.

Next Time: I remember Vanessa Williams exists with Eraser!


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