Summer of Schwarzenegger - "Raw Deal" (1986)


A raw deal is when somebody offers you a deal, like a deal that they think is good, but in reality, that deal is a bad deal. It screws you over in the end, even if there's initial promise, and it leaves you worse off than you were before. In fact, one could say that you feel raw about it, making the deal itself raw by consequence. That, folks, is a raw deal.

Here's a raw deal for you, then: watching this fucking movie.


Yet again, we have a movie that delayed this process out of how fucking awful it was, and yet again, I don't have very much to say about it, or even remember if I finished it or not. I mean, what can you say about a movie like this? Big Bad Muscle Manly Man gets screwed over, Muscle Man gets chance at getting unscrewed, and then Muscle Man goes and kills a small army of people. Throw in some one-liners, some cheesy soundtrack bits, a nagging love interest, and BAM, you've got yourself a movie that sure was made in the 80's! When you think cliche, outdated movie that has no relevance today outside of talking about how dated and terrible it is by today's standards, Raw Deal is the embodiment of that. A culmination of everything bad about Reagan-era action flicks. Hell, why not call it Raw Garbage? It's a more apt title.

You think I'm joking. You think there's a set-up here. "Oh, man, you're a pretty funny guy, telling us you have nothing to say about this but saying it anyway!" Brace yourself, then, because there's no joke. No punchline. No witty, cute little thing I'm going to come back with. No detailed summary of this movie, because I literally couldn't tell you what the fuck even happened in it if I tried. Arnold shot a guy? Buncha guys maybe? Shit-talked his wife, and his wife threw a cake at him? The dad from A Christmas Story grew a mustache? A truck went through a building? I don't know, man, I don't know.

Dramatic Reenactment of Watching Raw Deal
I do know there is no excuse for watching this limp penis of a movie. You want a fun Arnold flick with action and one-liners? Go watch Commando. You want some hard-edged vehicular mayhem with Arnold? Check out The Terminator. Want a good movie with Arnold, of which there were seemingly not many of at this point in his career? Watch either Conan. There are approximately a googleplex of alternatives to Raw Deal, all of which are either better riffs on the same formula or different movies altogether that are worth your time. I skipped over Red Sonja because it's not really an Arnold movie, and because the former Governator himself punishes his kids by making them watch it. But hey, that's something, right? Like, at least I'd remember that movie.

This? I'm not going to. I've already forgotten the plot, and even though I can remember hating it while I was watching it, I can't remember much of anything else either. It's that kind of bad movie that's just completely forgettable. In ten years, I'll be able to quote any of the Terminator flicks, or the Conan adventures, or even Kindergarten fucking Cop. I probably won't even remember that Raw Deal exists, let alone the fact that I even managed to watch it. It's just... It's just not very good, but it's not bad enough to permanently scar my retinas and rot my brain into mush. Again, it's a limp penis. A limp, tiny, shriveled-up little penis done in by steroids and god-knows-what else.

I don't remember a ton about Raw Deal, but I do remember that it's a pretty unenjoyable, unremarkable, and an all-around flatulent cinematic experience. Please. Watch something else that you'll at least remember.



Comments

  1. I feel like these get funnier the worse impression the movie gives you!

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