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Summer of Schwarzenegger - "The Villain"


Look, I'm going to level with you. Up front. This Summer of Schwarzenegger thing has stalled, and there's a reason. It's this. It's this fucking movie. Along with Hercules in New York, this fucking movie has been on the backburner so long because I just don't want to finish it. It's not even an Arnold movie. It's a stupid Western spoof that's trying way too hard to live-action Looney Tunes and just ends up being awkward, mostly unfunny, and very, very dated. So I decided. If they aren't going to give me what I came there for, why in the hell should I finish it?

So, ladies, gentlemen, others... here's my impressions of half of a stupid movie I watched. Can I just watch something decent already? Please?

There's this guy (Kirk Douglas) who's a villainous robber in the Old West. He gets thrown into prison, then cut a deal to do... something. I forgot, and I don't honestly give a fuck to find out what it was again. Sue me. Wait, no, he's supposed to murder or kidnap the daughter of some rich guy, played by Ann "I once writhed in baked beans to the music of The Who" Margret. Anyway. There's this other guy (Arnold) who's a good guy whose name is literally Handsome Stranger. Look, I get it. You're making fun of Western movie stereotypes, Hal Needham. You were a great stuntman, but seriously? This is the stupidest shit. This isn't funny. This isn't worth 90 minutes of my life.

Like, seriously? I read the ending on Wikipedia. Arnold gets undermined by Kirk Douglas and the girl rides away with the bad guy at the end. You put Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger in a movie in the 70's, and then he doesn't get the girl? No, sorry, that's not how that works. Either there is no woman, the woman is strong by herself and doesn't need Arnold or any man, or Arnold is the charming romantic badass lead. Or, y'know, she dies, like in Conan (spoiler from 1982, I guess.) To have Arnold in your movie should mean something, deceased director whose works I don't know enough about. It means that Kirk Douglas doesn't get Ann-Margret. It means Arnold isn't some stupid, doofy oaf with a shit-eating grin. It means that... ugh. Forget it.

My thoughts exactly, Arnold.
You know what? While I'm at it, just bashing this movie, let's talk about how fucking stupid it is outside of not giving Arnold any chance to chew scenery and be cool. It's kind of racist as fuck, for one thing. Do you like stereotypical portrayals of Native Americans by white people? Oh, boy, then this is the movie for you! It's your lucky fucking day! And I'm sorry, if you argue that "it's just a comedy, it's hearkening back to the good old days of Westerns," you can get the fuck out. Old Westerns were also pretty fucking racist sometimes too, especially when they had to portray people that weren't white.

Speaking of shitty portrayals, there's some stupid "clumsy is sexy" crap going on in this movie. Like, out of the bumhole. Ann-Margret sets back female characterization in film back twenty years with her airheaded role, which is puzzling, considering she is an actual talented actress who has done some pretty great roles over the years. It's a pretty shameful display. This movie is pretty racist and pretty sexist, just by proxy of whatever characterization is there is awful.

I could go on and on and on... and on. But you get the point. This movie isn't very good. It isn't really an Arnold movie, and unlike, say, Batman and Robin, he isn't even given a good supporting role. There are some cheap laughs, sure, but the movie as a whole isn't great, and is super problematic by today's standards. It's a bad comedy with good stunts, and that's about it. You really don't need to watch it. You really don't even need to know it exists. I wish I didn't.

The only good thing to come out of this is that I get to watch Conan next. And you get to hear why I think it's arguably one of the greatest films of the 1980's. Joy! Yeah, I get it, this was a short post, but I don't care. I don't even want to think about this movie anymore. And you shouldn't either. Next!

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