Showing posts from June, 2014

Summer of Schwarzenegger - "The Villain"

Look, I'm going to level with you. Up front. This Summer of Schwarzenegger thing has stalled, and there's a reason. It's this. It's this fucking movie. Along with Hercules in New York, this fucking movie has been on the backburner so long because I just don't want to finish it. It's not even an Arnold movie. It's a stupid Western spoof that's trying way too hard to live-action Looney Tunes and just ends up being awkward, mostly unfunny, and very, very dated. So I decided. If they aren't going to give me what I came there for, why in the hell should I finish it?

So, ladies, gentlemen, others... here's my impressions of half of a stupid movie I watched. Can I just watch something decent already? Please?

Backlogged - "Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus" (2002)

Even though I need to get back to watching Schwarzenegger films for my summer blog series (and I will, promise,) I figured I'd try and resurrect my Backlogged posts. Hey, remember, I said they would be infrequent to begin with, so no complaining. But I digress. This time around, I'm playing the first entry in a famous Sony mascot series that's much beloved by a devoted group of people. No, not Crash Bandicoot. Or Ratchet and Clank. Or Jak and Daxter. Nope, it's Sly Cooper and the Thevious Raccoonus, which I somehow managed to miss when I had my first PS2. But thanks to my trusty PS Vita, I managed to procure the HD Collection and started jamming out on the first one! Until I had to drive a car. Or beat chickens with a cane. Or chase down piranhas in a hovercraft to get fuel to light torches.

Look, just read on and we'll talk about it.

On "Bayonetta" and Women in Gaming

Nintendo kicked serious arse at E3 2014, for a number of reasons. But the one I want to focus on most, as hinted at by the title, is the upcoming release of Bayonetta 2 in October. Now, the first entry in the series is, without a doubt, one of my absolute favorite games that has been released. It's still as fresh, outrageous, and amazing as it was when it was released a few years back, and seeing a new one coming to a personal favorite system is like a dream come true. The fact that an enhanced version of the original comes with it is just an added bonus.

But just as when the original came out, I feel like we're going to see a few prominent voices speak out against this game on the pretense of it being sexist, or degrading to women. And while those people are certainly entitled to their opinions, I figured I'd get a head-start. Throwing my special spice into the overflowing pot of opinions, I want to get some thoughts out as to why I think the character of Bayonetta is a …

E3 2014 Report Card

E3, the most ridiculously hyped event in all of gaming. No, seriously, no other event gets so much insane press, or brings out so much gargantuan hubris from developers and publishers. This is the first year I've had a blog to really cover E3, but rest assured, this is something I intend on doing every single E3 from this point onward. Like every other schmo on the internet with an opinion on video games, I figured I'd put together my thoughts of all the major press conferences and assign them a score that represents what was brought to the table overall. 
Because even though we technically all win, as consumers... isn't it fun to be judgmental?

Summer of Schwarzenegger - "Hercules in New York" (1969)

Ladies and gentlemen, one film into this little personal challenge of mine, and I already don't want to continue. I've seen some terrible things in my time. I've lived through a great deal of hardship and strife. Seen my fair share of struggles. To be quite honest, I'm surprised I've made it this far. Yet nothing could prepare me for what might be the biggest exercise in futility ever put to film. A Lovecraftian horror of misguided comedy that can't ever decide what it wants to be, and in the end, decides to be nothing, like an amorphous blob of nothingness that has no significance other than to bring severe mental pain to anybody who dares look at it long enough. I'm referring to Hercules in New York, Arnold's first film, and one that he once said should be shown to terrorists in order to torture them. 
Yep, this is going to be a fun time, kids. Welcome to the Summer of Schwarzenegger, and hold on to your butts.